monday blues

where do i start? hmmm ok. yesterday morning i chat with the girl that i love for along time it was fun alot of fantasy, and i love it. it was great to chat with her even its for awhile. i miss her and rasa rindu makin membara everyday. we talk we do something that she love and i love so well den she when to sleep and i stay up because i really miss her and only her in my mind at that time. and i was thinking is she feel what i feel? hmmmm. i dont know lah. atless i got the chance to chat with her. walaupun i noe she not mine anymore. i wish that i could turn back time. do it properly. hmm balik2 jua ah fikir kan catu.. but yea i feel love and sayang and rindu. ya allah im going crazy again. even masa ia tidur aku keep on texting her inda beranti walaupun ia nda mereply. thats crazy right? mcm ckp sendiri.. haha. so crazy that i visualize i died alone. no one else with me. no kids no wife. hahaha im crazy. and then lapas atu i try to sleep lah and batah lah kn bawa tidur. sudah mata hari naik baru tah tetidur sekajap sekali tebangun and tarus rindu kan ia... my mind keep on asking ada kah dia juga merindui aku dalam tidur nya. sekali i try to sleep after few hour thinking about her and den i went to sleep again in the afternoon until 3 pm sal my dad bangun kn tuk main bola.

she text me masa atu but i reply batah sal baru bangun. rasa besalah jua lah. den den her mood turn not good and i wonder tia is it because of me? sal kan everytime after chat kn malam2 lapas putus lah. i always text her jua lah walaupun ia tidur. i ask her alot of question den kan apa yang i said lapas ia tidur has been ignore until now. o well i deserve that pulang. and i wonder lapas chat kan sampai menyubuh. sekali esk she like different again. and then mcm malam baru tia ia kn cari aku. selalunya like after bejalan sama si jahanam or kan tidur or lapas jln2 or i dont really know lah. i feel like kena cari masa ia nada kawan saja. hmmm thats how her feel jua dulu sal i did that kind of thing dulu and i did not realize it actually. i feel guilty now thats why i just let it be cuz i deserve that kind of treatment from her. walaupun its hurt but now i feel how she felt when i was and asshole dulu tu her and i was stupid and dumb head and fucking idiot.

and i feel so sad tdi jua sal ia ckp ia moody and she said pasal masalah nya. and i noe ia share to si jahanam atu jua ia punya problem not me. i feel so jelos and hurt and this is how she feel dulu so. padas rasa nya kena kana kan balik. mcm lagu c jt what goes around comes around. nya bini2 yg ku cinta karma. sal dulu i dont wanna belive in karma. o well again i deserve it. buduh ku sendiri. but i wanna be that guy yg she tells her problem. i wanna be that guy yg she share everything with. myb im a failer dulu i never been that guy. i wanna be that guy now. im sorry and i noe its to late already. even ia punya facebook ckp she will never turn back not even kalip mata. something like that but yea. hmmmm i wanna be that guy that everytime she need someone ill be there for her. i wanna be there for her from her on out. i noe dulu i never been like that jua because im stupid and i dont really know how love actually works. i need to learn more but well its to late to get her back i guess.. and tadi i wanna pajal her to share it with me and its really wrong to pajal her because ia nda suka org memajal that why im so sad. how can i prove to her that i wanna be there for her. so aku menyamal saja mcm kanak2 menyamal i go saja play football eventot i feel so wrong and worry and miss her so badly. but in the end well i guess she share it with someone else i guess,, hmmmm

sekali i play football d mahawangsa sekolah rendah d lambak kiri dakat milimewah sama masjid sana. lawan sama family team. my family lawan my second cuzen punya family team. we lost. i had fun a few slide tackle and few stud on the leg of the opponent and few body smash. and i still love my cross like david beckham perasan sekajap but yea lawa mcm c beckham cross arah c ronaldo dari half padang sekali ronaldo score. hahaha.. check ia d youtube ada tu. banar2 kn sama tapi saja nda goal. sal my cuzen cawi hahahahaha... i play defend and midfield and winger tukar2 hahaha.. lalah hantap and pasal slide tackle iatah buat my leg sebalah kiri luka basar. setukin pindik.. haha but puas hati meliat urg terabang lol.. but banar nya bula wah tu sasak ku reffere ani nda pandai ref wuuu cawi. den den tepijak kaki urg saja.. hahaha sorry but i mean few of the antak sal kamu buyuk ckp family but kamu bawa urg luar. hahaha sak kali kamu wuuu. hahaha and den kn lapas game ampus datang and alot paluh and bebau masam. just like my love always said im so masam. den kn i go straight to mentiri ada kerja sama kawan


odw kesana. i saw this one young boy age around between 8 to 12 i guess so kesian meliat ia bejalan d highway sorang2 ketakutan mcm kelaparan lagi pigang2 pelastic mcm tromatize lah gila. sayu wah ku tarus meliat subahanallah. mcm apa kah. d brunei ada sudah urg mcm ani. im so sad. gila wah den i was thinking about the wasiat that my dad and my dad best friends bagi the other night that they want me to carry there legacy to make brunei and the rakyat better place and better living style. disturbute wealth and help develop brunei. hmmm. i feel so not ready but insyallah i wish to help alot of people in the future. and carry on my dad and his bestfriend dreams yg balum kesampaian. hmmm. sekali den like after that kan i was like sedih meliat sudah mcm mana usulnya brunei in the future aduh ma... sakit ni nanti bila nda berubah. haiya. dulu i dont wanna care cuz dorg punya utak dorg sendiri urus kn diri dorg. but i think now i should care about brunei future. not just serving your country at war or jadi pegawai kerajaan jadi pekerja saja. not like jadi menteri to help change every which dari dulu tani liat menteri nada buat apa2 yg bagus banar. and even sultan ckp mcm robot. but i wanna do something that i dont have to wait for menteri or kerajaan to say green light. when you want to help people you dont need permission from orang atasan tuk approve which sometime will take alot of time and sometime never gonna happen until they see brunei semakin rusak. haha apa kan ku ckp ani? wah not good. but yea. my uncle said to me in the future brunei will be floating. well only i have the full meaning pulang apa yg ia sampai kn masa atu.. hehe but i see it udah sikit demi sikit. and im so wanna change it when im still alife i dont want to see that in my life time. myb after i die den bulih lah.

ok banyak nonsense

anyway. sekali td aku keraja lapas main bola sama kawan ku d mentiri. sekali overtime tia jua sampai kul 4 pagi baru balik rumah.. sakit kepala sakit badan sakit kaki. and so nalih banar kan mampus udah. and masih jua membuat blog.


well banar nya im happy when my love tagur d chat.




i miss her so bad. i wish she still mine. no matter where i go she always in my head. in my heart. and i wish she feel the same way too. i keep on wonder day by day. until myb the clear answer reveal so i stop wondering. do i still have chances to win her love back? this is always my question everyday...

i wanna say sorry to her. i love her i miss her i care about her. fakhri sayang sayang.





and





im stupid

my emotion tonight

before i sleep.. this song come into my mind. emotion by destiny's child.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLNMbDDzwD8






this song speak all for my feeling and emotion. hmmm i miss her.




im stupid

6hr sleep

gila aku tetidur for 6hr dari kul 12 labih sampai kul 7mlm. gila. sandi. missed ku tournoment bolaaaaaa umban ke 10 pin aka bowling buduh. now i officially everytime thinking about bowling i get hurt. well well well skip. i need to go shower. gila bebau pulang. masam. ani wanna go fucking jalan2 buat bodoh. this is my weekend penuh dengan bosan. tidur on sunday afternoon. buduh.


bah i fuck off dulu






im stupid

jogging for fatsss

joggin joggin joggin. im fat and i know it. joggin d tasik lama. was jalan2 saja lah. nada lari2 ambil stamina dulu. pasal badan barat satu. dua nda balance mcm kn tumbang saja. tiga kaki kancang bila naik tangga and bukit. empat ampus melanda. kelima lalah hantap. keenam aku rindu my love. ketujuh aku buduh. kelapan aku lampuh. kesembilan aku buduh lagi. kesepuluh jubur ku basar hantap. bida wah. atu kali yg membuat nya aku barat atu. kesebalas angin banyak keluar tadi dari dua lobang. lobang jubur sama mulut haha.. tarap and kantut. and den den den ke duabelas aku halum tidur dari kelmarin. ke tigabalas aku makan indomee sejam before jogging and cakoi. ke empat balas. membalas pantun saja. ke lima balas. nada urg membalas. ke enam balasan. aku rindu ex girl ku. ke tujuh balas. aku rindu ia sepanjang ku pijak kaki d tasik lama atu. dari dulu sampai sekarang. ke lapan balas aku antah lah bosan masa ani lamah kan tidur and malas jua ku tidur. kn bejalan ku eh bosan ku d rumah. and and aku bosan aku bosan aku buduh aku bosan. aku mental aku gila.






bila tah kn turun ni berat badan ani. aiyoyo.





im stupid

football

football tonight with the lads. football is for loners like me. everyweeked never missed to watch football because i got no other things to do. such a boring life for now. i need to change my life style soon. hopefully in 3 month time i wanna go away from brunei. wanna fly away for a year or 2. i feel so lonely. so lonely im on my own now.. so lonely. mcm lagu c akon.



i miss my love girl. but my oppurtunity close and my life getting worst ever since my got back to brunei last year. well. i had happy moment. but long run only pain hurt and desaster made by me myself and i. because im stupid. im hoping that i never see this kind of life again. i wanna have better life. i wanna go somewhere else 1st and by the time i comeback to brunei i a change man. totally change. new friends. no one will know me. only my family know me. hmmm 10 year ? 10 year i go run away and maybe people will forget about me. no more old friends. old history left behind the pain the hurt. i wanna left behind. i wanna start my life over. well 10 year can be done like that i guess?

but but is it a good idea to leave all my past behind me? my family? my love already gone. my friends? well let see how it gonna be in 3 months time. if its happen its happen. if not wait for next year lah...


panjang udah ni.. to much stupid idea.


im stupid

going crazy

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tarik nafas

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why the fuck am i so stupid. damn. i feel loser start kickin in myself.

























im stupid

her sweet sweet thang

I miss the girl i love. how she treat me before was so so so sweet. and i wasted.


what the fuck. im stupid

i miss her

hmmm semua sudah berakhir bila dia tinggal kan aku. sekarang aku tunggang tebalik kerana merindui nya. rindu rindu rindu aku sangat merindu kan nya. sungguh aku rindu rindu rindu. hai. aku hanya boleh luah kan isi hati d blog ani saja. nada org dgn ku kn ckp sal ani.. jadi loner ku kali ani. merasa tia ku.. haha padan muka ku siapa suruh buduh... hai ya.. apa yang aku harus buat.. owh bulan katakan pada ku. apa pernawar hati yang sedang merindui kekasih yang telah pergi. hai ya hai ya.. mcm apakah. stupid eh.

when oppurtunity close forever.

♥

what if your ex says this to you..

Hi, how are you?

- im doing alright.

Hey you wanna go to the mall?

- no, inda mau.

I LOVE U.

- inda salah dangar kah tu? (tamparan banar adang2 eh)

Do you want some cookies?

- no, thank you i can baked my own cookies.

Can you take me a picture?

- Sorry ah aku busy.

Would you help me with my homework?

- i dont think so, oh! that lesbo seems free go ask her.

Here's my gift to you?

- For what? take it back i wont accept it.

Let's us just be friends

- what? friends? HAHA i have many friends sudah.

Do you want me to buy you an ipod?

- inda payah, thank you.

Let watch a movie together

- heck no!

Hi baby

- oh hi jerk!

You're still gorgeous

- sudah atu haha.

i still LOVE you

- no turning back.

Can i visit your house?

- BIG NO!

Do you love me?
not anymore.


this is what she said to her ex. that including me. so i feel there is no room for me anymore. hmmm. im sorry for all the things that i've done.

hati yg terluka

ku akui kelemahan diri, insafi kekurangan ini, ku kesali kejahilan ku. ku telah pun merasakan derita jiwa dan perasaan. sungguh pedih dan memalukan. sungguh sedih mengenang kembali dosa2 yg telah ku buat kepada nya. apa daya ku lagi. takdir tuhan mempertemukan kami dan takdir tuhan juga memisahkan kami. aku berharap jgn lah dipisah kan kami. aku memang lemah.

the one that got away :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um6nhnnuyts&feature=youtu.be



i miss her. im stupid.

fault on me

why am i so stupid. now i only can take the hard hit on the face. i can't fight it. i don't know how to fight it. its my fault i can't fight it. my heart beat so fast i think i wanna die now. hope i die soon so this all over and don't have to see what happen next so it not hurt so much. im a coward. shame on myself. i failed myself.


I'm sorry to the family i fail to treat her well. im so ashamed. i don't know what to do anymore. i wanna say it in person but i can't. i made people mad, sad, disappointed. such a shame on me.


dosa nya aku.

im weak im fool

ya allah. aku lemah. aku tak tahu apa lagi yg patut aku buat. aku memang bodoh lagi hina.

semoga diri nya berbahagia sentiasa.

stupid moves and stupid me

i never wanted this to happened. i never wanted bad things happened in my life. But bad things keep coming into my life. I guess that what they called asam garam dunia. man i fucked up my life. I made my love one leave me because of my stupidity. who to blame? ofcos its me. But how should i react? i read alot of motivation book but their no used anymore at this time cuz i fucked up everything. stupid move i made made me this fool person. im lost in the love world. they never teach at school and even my parent never teach me this kind of knowledge. i need to learn more.

I have no idea where to start and where to learn? Maybe my stupidity can not be change?


well well well im so fucked up. i hate myself. The special one left me. my mistake hurts me. my social life gone. my friends become smaller in value. my enemy become large in value. well now life hit me hard. making me weaker and weaker everyday. I don't know how to get back up now. maybe someone out there will pick me back up cuz im losing my way in a split second. and its all my selfstupid. who to blame who to blame? no one but me.


fucking idiot me. I wanna say sorry to my love who i did wrong and mistreat her so badly. well i know its to late to tell her all this. such a fool of me why i did not realize from the beginning stupid man. I hope she going to have a great life after this without me with my stupidity.

I now sorry will not heal your wounded heart. such a fool of me. so so so dumb do dumb do dumb do dumb me. what im going to do now? im going crazy thinking about this. well thinking pun nda guna cuz my brain is like tin kosong. stupid. di katok bebunyi bising but no valuable point.

this is from my heart. i dont know if my heart also stupid like my brain. semoga allah lindungi kamu.. semoga berbahagia di masa akan datang

sincerely dumb head amin fakhri

shit mood

fucking fuck im fucking sick and fuck you. wait till i get green light from boss to start training. and i kill who ever i fucking hate. mother fucker. fucking wanker. your next. and who ever make fun of me. you all die. just wait next few month and your all sure be dead fucker. maybe im weak now but just wait or run away fucker. if you have the chance now this is the time to kill me fucker before its to late. ill ruin your whole family. not going to leave one alife fucking fuck. thats so fucking disrespectful. just wait fucker. you wanna find me i live in kg bunut. and if im not home ill be in pantai jerudong. just try to kill me first. im not hiding you fucker. this is a warning. ill tell you where i am and if you wanna kill me find me 1st before i find you pussy. ugly fucker. wrong move fucker. maybe your happy now get what you wanted. but thats not for long. cuz youll be dead soon. i dont fucking care if i go to prison now or deported. aslong im happy killing all you fucker.

sakit

aduh.. sakit tu hantap. buduh eh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OI7S7vaBT4I


maaf telah membuat mu terluka, maaf telah membuat mu menanggis. im so sorry. maaf kerana menipu. maaf kerana selfish. maaf kerana ego. maaf kerana tidak pandai mencintaimu. maaf kerana telalu lama untuk aku realize semua ani. maaf kerana tidak memahami isi hati mu yang tulus mencintaiku. maaf sungguh aku bodoh terhadap mu.

sunday

hati ku resah gelisah. im tired already after along day. missing someone which is not mine anymore. feel happy and enjoy with the guys today. deep inside is feeling sad. well thats my problem i guess. i hardly express my sad feeling to anyone. i only express the happy part. The last time i cried infront of people telling my sad feeling deep story was way ages. The person once my love one. well i almost cried infront of my two bestfriend but i don't have the courage to cry infront of them. they know im sad but its so hard for me to let it go crying infront of people. well i used to be happy when people around me. I always put my smile even when my heart is sad. I always tot that people don't need to listen to my sad story, cuz i think they only want happy. and i noe in this world im not the only one have problem and sad story. all human do have their own problem. thats why i try to be happy to all people all the time cuz i tot its wrong to share my sad story. thats the 1st time i have the courage to tell real sad story to my two bestfriend i guess. and now its my second time writing on this blog about my sad feelin. im lonely and im tired. wishing that person was here. well i really don't know what the right things to say or do now. i lost the best person in my life. who care for me alot and love me alot. but went away.

im feelin like a stupid shit right now. i hope that one day she will be happy again. i feeling like screaming out loud and cry. now nda dapat pasal ada urg tidur.

sesungguh nya allah maha mengetahui. subahanallah kenapa ku buat terlalu banyak bersalah sehingga orang terluka. bodoh sungguh.

hmmm... i went to pantai muara with my group and had bbq there and sing alot of cover and most of the cover made me sad bcoz of lyric nya.. sakit hantap but well buduh ku sendiri jua.. well lapas atu i play golf d rba. awal2 nyaman my swing and ball naik saja all the time until sad mood strike me again and all my ball start nda menantu sampai kan kana kepala urang sebalah.. urg tuha lagi tu. sekali my hand start blister balik. and my hits semua nda lurus my hand my position my kaki and my mind. hilang focus habis. but still i put smile infront of my friends cuz they dont know deep inside me im sad.. well i noe my friends pun sad jua sal hal dorg i noe hal dorg pulang they told me abit. well now im really weak. i tell my story here. i let go my ego here. i dont noe what to say lagi. my brain weak now. i wanna go sleep and sleep saja.

hope that that person be happy soon. i miss her so bad i wanna go cry before i go to sleep.
im a dumb head.

when stupid takes over

selama 3 hari berturut2 menangis kerana kebodohan sendiri.. sesungguh nya aku bodoh..


sebodoh mana orang. bodoh aku sangat menyakitkan. aku telah pun menyakit kan hati orang lain kerana kebodohan ku. sekarang hati ku telah pun merasa kesakitan tetapi kesakitan hati ku tak setanding orang yg telah ku sakiti.. setelah bekurun lama nya baru ku menyedari bahwa yang ku buat telah menyakit kan hati orang lain. itu sebab nya aku bodoh. sungguh bodoh. Baru aku sedari selama ini kesalahan ku.. aku memang bodoh. dari dulu hingga kini selalu dipesan dibagi pelbagai amaran tetapi aku tetap tidak peduli. tidak mahu mendengar. ego ku telampau kuat and tinggi. ini lah dinama kan bodoh sendiri. tidak mau mendengar nasihat. aku memang bodoh. menangis kerana kebodohan ku ada kah itu betul? aku hanya mampu menangis sekarang. kesalahan ku telalu besar untuk ku mengubah nya. adakah aku dapat memperbaikinya? sungguh ku malu dengan diri ku yang sungguh bodoh.

aku tak tahu apa yang dapat aku buat lagi. aku cuba dapat menangis dan berdoa semoga orang yang ku sakiti selama ini dapat berbahagia selepas ini. aku ingin kn diberi kesempatan untuk membuat kebaikan lagi kepadanya. menebus dosa ku yang dulu telah banyak membuat dia teluka. aku telah merasa betapa sakit nya hati bila terluka dan aku amat menyesal. semua ini kerana tingkah laku ku yang bodoh dan hina. aku memang lemah. aku memang jahil. aku memang bodoh. tak pernah mengenang budi nya. tak pernah berterima kasih kepadanya. tak pernah befikir yang aku sebenar nya salah. bodoh ku telah menyakit kan diri nya dan diri ku. semoga kesakitan diri nya akan pulih.

semua yang bodoh aku lakukan terhadap nya aku berharap tidak akan berulang lagi. di buta kan mata dan telinga untuk ku menyedari kesalahan ku. itu kerna kebodohan ku. aku sungguh ego tidak mahu mengakui kesalahan ku dahulu. kini baru ku sedar. sudah telambat bagi ku. aku tak tahu apa yang aku patut buat lagi.

semoga kau akan berbahagia. aku meminta maaf. tulus iklas ku berdoa kau berbahagia.
ingin ku mengucapkan terima kasih atas segala yang kau laku kan kepada ku. kebodohan ku menyebab kan kau berubah. terima kasih atas ketabahan mu melayan diri ku yang bodoh, hina dan tidak berakal. terima kasih kerana bersabar dan selalu mendoakan agar aku berubah. sekarang baru ku sedari semula. walaupun tangisan ku tiada beguna bagi mu lagi tetapi ku berharap walaupun kau tidak mau memaafkan ku, harapanan ku semoga kau berbahagia semua seperti dulu walaupun tampa ku. sinaran mu yang menjadi gelap kerana ku. semoga ia besinar kembali.

mohon maaf dari ku tulus iklas.

Amin Fakhri